Dear Son - Exclusive

By: A Reliable Sauce
Date: 05/07/2005

IN a Fishy Exclusive today, a reliable source has smuggled a letter to us, which is from the mother of one of Town's new signings, which she sent to him at the Army Training Camp. We have agreed not to name him.

Dear Son,

Why didn't you let us know you were training in the army with Grimsby Town? We saw the report on that electric fish thingy. It was a big surprise.

We thought you were still in prison.

It will do you good to get fit after that incident with the methanol.

Your dad said look out for that bloke who carries a big stick. He is the sergeant major, otherwise known as 'all balls and boots.'

Your dad popped down to Blundell Park yesterday to ask how you were getting on. They were ever so kind to him. That kind Mr Ladson made him a nice cup of tea. Mind you they are drinking out of jam jars down there. They have flogged all the crockery on QXL your dad said.

He saw that Mr Slade too. He couldn't stop for too long to talk to him as he was busy signing some match balls for the lads. Your dad knew that cos he asked him if there was two T's in MacDermott. They are for another auction your dad said and Mr Slade was doing it cos Mr Smith had writers cramp. I think it was writers, it started with a W.

They are putting some new nets in on the ground. Mr Slade said they are bigger and brighter so the strikers can see them easily. He said cos they couldn't find them last season.

He also met that fat lass from the trust. She said she is selling all the sods from Blundell Park 10 quid each. Your dad said we are lucky to get that much for them the way the sods played last season.

By the way there is another rumour that Mr Slade is leaving cos he signed up for Mariners World for 1.99 and that only lasts until the season starts.

I don't want to upset you son but some of those buggers on that electricity fish thingy are saying you should not have been signed as you didn't do much good with Lowestoft reserves and Enfield Rovers.

Your dad said that's typical of that lot moaning before they see you play. Your dad is going to write to them and remind them you scored a goal in the Southern Alliance play offs in 1979 and that is why that nice Mr Slade signed you. He knows a good lad when he sees one.

One thing for sure, you will feel at home with some of those new lads who you knew when you were all signing the dole and working on that building site. Who would have thought you would get back in football after the last six clubs kicked you out. You have a lot to thank Mr Slade for.

I got your letter this morning. What do you mean they got you out of bed before it was daylight? Was there a fire or something?

I think it's disgraceful the army making you march and polish your own boots and stuff. Don't they know you are a professional footballer? But don't worry, it's only for a week and you will soon be back to your normal routine. Training from 10 til 12. Home for lunch, up to the club for a few pints, and off to the disco after tea.

I am sure Mr Slade thinks its for the best but when the season does start, I don't want you running about too much getting out of breath and stuff. It's not Chelsea you know. In any case I don't want you to get those nice shorts muddy again. You did that once before.

Well I have to go now. Your dad has to go and see your probation officer who wants to know where you are and he wants that thingy back the police made you wear on your ankle. He said you can keep that iron ball that was fastened to it.

From Your loving mum

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