The Buckley Way

By: Rob Sedgwick
Date: 10/11/2006

YOUNGER supporters who cannot remember football under Alan Buckley can fear no longer. Rob Sedgwick has produced a guide to Bucklerian football under the Mariners so that those who do not remember can become acquainted with the new rules.

• No prima-donnas. There's only one boss and no pretenders to the throne
• Anyone over six foot must be prepared to leave.
• No long hair. Michael Reddy beware! Facial hair, however, is allowed and even encouraged.
• No part-timers. Peter Beagrie must have known what was coming when he left.
• Thou shalt play 4-4-2. Talk of formations, holes, wing backs, christmas trees etc. is alien
• No direct free kicks. Shooting directly at goal is "impure". The ball must be passed, ideally multiple times, before an attempt at goal is made.
• You are not allowed to score from a corner.
• Long, speculative shots are likely to result in substitutions.
• Any player directing the ball above chest height will be fined.
• Wingers must run with the ball, take on opponents and produce crosses.
• There are no excuses for being late for training.
• The ball must be played out of defence, never hoofed upfield.
• Loyalty is mandatory under Buckley. Players must follow him around throughout their careers, or stay at Grimsby if he remains in charge. Otherwise you will receive late night threatening phone calls until you return to the fold.
• The opposition do not matter. No consideration is ever given to whom Town are playing. All that matters is how we play; our opponents are irrelevant and we will never adapt to suit the opposition.
• We will never surrender! Our principles remain even at 3-0 down with 5 minutes to play.
• Foreigners will be sent "back home". Welshmen, Scots and other natives of the UK outside of England are however acceptable.
• Football agents are sent packing.
• You are not allowed to retire before the age of 40.
• If Alan Buckley decides to sell you he will make lots of money for the club, effectively meaning it costs nothing to employ him. You must however sign straight away. You cannot fail to agree terms.
• If you do leave Grimsby for a big transfer fee you will be completely useless until after two years Buckley will get you back on a free and your powers will return.
• Should Alan Buckley be sacked a curse will be put on the club which sacks him. Relegations, plague, pestilence and famine will result in the ensuing years. The curse can only be released by re-employing Alan Buckley, in which case bountiful harvests are ensured for years to come, and an eventual restoration of the position the club had in the Football League when Buckley was sacked.

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