Grim Russ Reveals All

By: The Electronic Fishcake
Date: 12/01/2001

Hello my little Fishy dumplings, Grim Russ here with the first of my occasional series of astrological match predictions for you scampish little Grimbarians as you prepare for your spangly glamour bumps-a-daisy with Crewe.

FIRST HALF

The first ten minutes of the game will be governed by the red planet, Mars. Unfortunately, we astrologers are yet to discover a black-and-white stripey planet, so this doesn't bode well for the Fishy people.

But fear not! Fortunately for my little Haddocks, goalkeeper Danny Coyne is a Virgin. That is, I mean to say, he was born under the star sign of Virgo. Danny may well be Wales's number one, but if you're listening Danny, you'll never find yourself the right girl to settle down with until you lower those high standards of yours. Let go of those inner-needs and inhibitions!

Thursday would be a good night to go out looking for romance. I'll see you in the Grosvenor at about 7.30pm? You cheeky little devil!

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, our cuddly little goalie is a naturally posessive Virgin, so, if for ten minutes he can hide the ball up the awful yellow jumper that Mr. Lawrence makes him wear (try astral blue, my love), the stripey men should be okay.

At around twenty to four, Neptune forms an interesting alignment with the goal in front of the Osmond Stand and Hobson's. This makes things a little unclear, as it is equally possible that one of the goalies may find themselves chipped, or it may well mean that beefy Steve Livingstone will batter somebody.

SECOND HALF

Oooh, my little Coddies! Uri Geller, a very good friend of mine and probably the most famous bender in the world, (steady on, Russ - ed.) just popped round and told me that there will be a huge concentration of energy around Kevin Donovan in the second-half.

Perhaps he means that canny Kevin will expend vast amounts of energy skipping around bewildered Crewe defenders, but Uri insists that the fleet-footed winger will score Grimsby's second. Then again, perhaps he said whinger…maybe Nielsen will get another. Who knows? Not me! You don't really think that any of this is true, do you?

Anyway, in spite of the sun predictably setting in the west once again, the footballing fairies will smile favourably upon the happy Mariners, with lovely Lennie successfully sticking another three points in his sack.

Ouch!

Grimsby Town 2-0 Crewe Alexandra

Grim Russ

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