Nice ’n’ Easy Does It: QPR Report

Grimsby Town 1 Queens Park Rangers 0
08 Nov 2003, FA Cup Round 1

The Town fans oozed into the ground like overflowing drains - you don’t notice it happening, but suddenly they are all over your kitchen floor. Perhaps the magic of the cup was defeated by the disappointment of the non-appearing hair. Only their goalkeeper, Day, of the hirsutists from hell came back for more moogling and googling from the Pontoon. Even Ainsworth had had his hair cut. How can football compete with B & Q warehouses if the players have sensible hairstyles?

Town lined up in the usual 4-4-2 formation, but not with the usual players in the usual positions, as shown. How strange, Crowe started in central midfield with Campbell on the right wing. How very strange. That is strange.

The pre-match entertainment was provided by elements of the Pontoon, who indulged in some Mighty Mariner molesting, tweaking and twanging the nose, perhaps playing "Name That Tune" on the plastic proboscis.

1st half

QPR kicked off towards the Osmond Stand, crooning the ball straight down the middle. Within the first minute Thorpe turned in midfield and slotted a pass through the space between the heavens (Barnard) and the corner of some foreign field (Edwards, well, he is from Hull), with Davison rushing off his line to scoop the ball off Sabin’s foot. Now let’s get things straight, from this moment on QPR didn’t get inside the Town penalty area; they didn’t have a shot, they didn’t have a miss-hit pass bumbling and stumbling through the area that would have gone in only if Davison had passed away at least three decades ago. In short, the words "they didn’t" should precede any thought you may have about what they could have done. Rangers were crushed by the Town glacier as it remorselessly ground forward towards the Pontoon. The superhoopers were hanging on from the pre-match warm up.

Town were up and at ‘em from the off, harrying, scarrying, pestering and dispossessing. In the third minute a throw in, under the police box, was flung to McDermott, who flicked the ball back to Crowe, about 30 yards out. Crowe curled a first time cross high towards the back post, and Onuora, who had bent a run behind the centre back, waited with intent. About seven yards out and unmarked, Iffy rose majestically and steered a header across the goalkeeper and on to the face of the crossbar. The ball bounced down inside the six yards box and was smuggled out of the country, possibly stuffed underneath Palmer’s ample flapping shirt. Another five minutes of Town nudging and noodling QPR off the ball, with Boulding chasing the centre back, Forbes, into cul de sacs and Onuora bullying Clarke, a recovering Gallimore, had the crowd stirring. QPR almost had the ball at one point, close to the half way line, but Hamilton used his huge dancing shoes to skip across the turf and sweep the ball away from one, then two opponents. The ball careered towards the manager’s dug out, seemingly on its way out of play, but Dynamic Des slid and hooked the ball back, rising from the ground in one movement. He drove back infield and dinked one of those fashionable reverse passes between two defenders to McDermott, who had run infield. Macca surged on and tapped the ball onto Onuora, continuing his run and causing blind panic in the hopping hoopers. Onuora held off two defenders, twisted and lifted a superb pass through the defence to Boulding, who was free on the right edge of the penalty area. Onwards zipped the tiny terror, Day came off his line, Boulding set his sights and, from about 10 yards out just to the right of goal, horribly sliced a right footed shot straight into the Pontoon, the ball going further wide than he was standing, or more accurately rolling.