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Jones: Opener
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30/04 Kidderminster Part 2

By: Tony Butcher
Date: 02/05/2005

PARKINSON, hello over there, offside - wellied the ball into the side netting. Why do you need to know that?

Home > 2004-2005 Season > Reports > Kidderminster (a)

Kidderminster Harriers 1 Grimsby Town 4
30 Apr 2005, Coca Cola League 2

Because if I didn't tell you that you'd only get a 150 word diversion around the A453, musing, but maybe not amusing, on the relative merits of venetian and/or roman blinds in dormer bungalows down North Sea Lane. Or maybe a mutation into a restaurant review in the style of Michael Winner.

Near the quarter hour, a Kidderminster corner from their right. Danger, pay attention, something's about to happen. Lashed in, lashed out by Crane's quifftastic noodle, the ball bazoomed upfield, bouncing once about 30 yards out. A little Kiddie ran forward and completely missed the ball as it bounced over and into the centre circle. Reddy and the final defender challenged, with O'Reddy's boot flicking the ball off the gelled stalagmites on the roof of a Kid's head. High kickin' Michael: the Tiller boy, toiling and spoiling upfront, raced away from the half way line. Onwards, ever onwards, the ball careering up in strange angles off the lumpy-bumpy custard tart of a pitch. Into the area, reds missing behind, REDDY awaited Danby, sold him a couple of raffle tickets, and nonchalantly flicked with the outside of his boot, the ball rolling in to the centre left of the goal. Town were exposing every weakness however carefully hidden by the Kids. That's not very carefully, is it.

More corners for Kidderminster Harriers. More heading practice for Big Tone, the answering machine at the heart of the Town back-ish three. If you want to leave a message please bleat after the Tone. The Town players were clearly distracted by the smells wafting across Williams' goal from the pie stall; why else would they be happy to stand around inside their own penalty area when the opposition was so fractured, a broken butterfly, wings crushed.

What a shame Diop-hop-hop-hop was told to hop off so long ago. We could do with some comedy, it's just plain dull.

Shall we have another shot? Why not. A free kick on the right, lamped long, knocked on by Whittle and rolling, rolling out at the far post. Lo, there is a man with gusto, his name is Reddyo. The Irish wolfhound sniggered around the back, spun and thwacked a rasping looper over the bar from a narrow angle. Worth an "ooooh" and got and "ooooh". It's official then: "ooooh". There was a long delay when Parkinson and Danby collided after a rubbish bit of defending on the edge of the area. Don't worry, the Town fans made use of this time to eliminate waste and stock up on food for the long journey into the second half.

This is a great advert for park football.

Pinault took a free kick and...nothing happened, but with Pinault nothing can happen with some style.

With about ten minutes left Kidderminster had a spell of sustained possession, passing frequently to themselves, something they'd failed to do previously. The ball was finagled to Rawle about 25 yards out in the centre. He rumbled around in circles, rolled, rocked, did some amateur origami, phoned his mum, performed a little paradiddle (which the FA are looking into after a complaint) and cracked a swirling, curling shot around Jones' legs and onto the crossbar, with Williams startled enough to drop his copy of Autotrader. A Kiddie shot! If it had gone in it would have been a goal, that's for sure. It didn't so it wasn't. Ah well, there's always next time

Anthony Williams
Simon Ramsden
Justin Whittle
Tony Crane
Rob Jonesgoal
Ronnie Bull
Terry Fleming
Jason Crowe
Thomas Pinault
Michael Reddygoalgoalyellow card
Andy Parkinsongoal


Stacy Coldicott80 mins
Glen Downey76 mins
Nick Heggarty72 mins
Graham Hockless
David Soames


Brian Curson


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Reddy flicked a bouncing ball away from a defender on the half way line and was free again, but the referee cruelly, harshly, and dreadfully awarded Kidderminster a free kick, booking the glimmerman in the process. Why? Handball. What are the odds on refs seeing that, these days. He hadn't caught it and put it under his jumper, or anything.

For some odd reason Kidderminster started to get stuck in to Town in the last five minute; legs clattered, full frontal assaults, barging and charging, Town players scattered across the field like confetti. Crowe felled, Jones hacked, Pinault down on the ground, no free kick given. What do they have to do before Town get a free kick? Kiddie pressure; Crane the bulwark, the bulkhead, the brawny, beefy backstop. Williams flapping madly at a dinkled cross into his 6 yard box. At shoulder height with no Harrier close, Williams missed it completely. A Town fan spilt his vegetable broth.

There were some minutes of added time, frankly my dear, who gives a damn how long. These minutes were filled with grown men skipping, and much pondering on the matter of Sven Baas. He isn't another one of George Weah's cousins is he? Or does it live in Chapman's Pond?

Half time: Kidderminster Harriers 0 Grimsby Town 2

What a half! What - a half? Kidderminster emptied half their glass into Town's beaker on this post-season picnic. The Kidderminster experience had been most pleasing. Town only had to trot, the hosts were extremely generous in all respects. Town had been sufficiently adequate to cope with the Kidderminster players. Town didn't pass the ball much, they didn't have to. Town didn't have many attacks, they didn't have to. Town didn't have the ball much, they didn't have to, Kiddy kept giving it back. Town's defence headed all the crosses and corners away, but looked really rickety and rockety when the ball was on the floor and the red mist parted. The back three got away with it. Forbes was missed and Ramsden missed being in the centre; he looked extremely uncomfortable playing out wide.

But that's being picky, isn't it. Town 2-0 up away from home. Nothing can go wrong now, can it?

Stu's Half Time Toilet Talk

"He's like a Northern Counties East Premier Division Juninho."
"Williams hasn't touched the ball, but he's still managed to drop it."
"Is that your shoes ringing?"
"Will we see Glen Downey play today?"
"I think our neighbour is a Slitheen."

The report continues in the Second Half.

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