Waiting for the Great Leap Forward: Rovers Report

Grimsby Town 0 Bristol Rovers 1
10 Dec 2005, Coca Cola League 2

Town lined up in the 4-4-2 type formation as follows: Mildenhall, Croft, Whittle, R Jones, Newey, Parkinson, Bolland, Toner, Cohen, Reddy and the man himself. The substitutes were bored and they were Ramsden, Gritton, Heggggggggarty, Ashton and Downey. Croft played at right back and Cohen started on the right wing; in other words, the same team that finished on Tuesday. It’s somehow comforting to see Gliding Glen back on his rightful perch. They should really go down Shackleton’s and buy him a reclining chair: they have hundreds to choose from.

Was it so lifeless that straplines from 1980s adverts was all I could remember? "Beacholme Cleethorpes: reet good value."

Dish of the Day: a very special tribute to George Best; you’ll be lonely this Christmas with a bottle of gin by your side. Hey kids, just say "no" to that fourth gottle of gear. Don’t dink and dive this Christmas either. Yes, Michael Reddy, that includes you. But as the chairman says: what about the orange?

Do we have to go through with this?

1st half

Town kicked off towards the Osmond End and the rest of the joke writes itself.

As the minutes didn’t tick by minds wandered: does the scoreboard have a clock, or does the tannoyman’s son simply add on a minute manually? Is there more to life than lumping the ball upfield as fast and as far as possible?

Town got a corner and Newey took it. Newey took everything: every free kick, every throw in, even the biscuits in the sponsor’s suite. In a very New Labour way, service is all about delivery. Oh, that corner. Nah, nothing.

Bristol broke away down the centre, Jones the Stick clobbered Disley as a shadowy figure ghosted down their left into space. The referee saw no advantage in their invisible man running free on goal, so gave them a free kick. For the avoidance of doubt, this is a highlight, a moment of tension and excitement. The wall was paced out and the stage set for a seasonal treat: a pantomime, but who would be the grand dame? Mmm, shall I have my sandwich now? Who’s the ref? How many typos in today’s matchday programme. Mmm page 44 - Where’s Michael?????? Looks like he’s about to enter one of those superportaloo’s. And who wouldn’t look like that if you’d been photographed about to go to the toilet.

Oh, that free kick. Nothing happened.

In the eighth minute Rovers proceeded along their right in a northerly direction when they came upon two men standing still. Agogo, on the edge of the area, laid of an exquisite cushioned pass behind where Newey wasn’t. Walker ran on, unmarked, unimpeded and unhindered into this desert to the left of goal. From a very narrow angle several yards wide of the mouldering Mildenhall, this very private Walker squizzled a weak shot across the face of the goal, way, way in front of any of his chums. The ball ambled through the six-yards box, pursued by Whittle, who caught up with it as it died near the bye-line. Sergeant Rock wallied the ball away in his usual style. This was something that happened.