06/11 Scunthorpe Part 2

Scunthorpe United 2 Grimsby Town 0
06 Nov 2004, Coca Cola League 2

Gordon whopped it to the back post, Jones stumbled around the back and headed the ball back across goal. Daly, about a dozen yards out, took one touch and did a bicycle kick that looped a few yards wide of Musselwhite’s left hand post.

There were several flashes of macho posturing , all chest-to-chest snarling and pink handbags. I can’t be bothered to remember who did what, it was all so small time and pathetic. It may have been Professor Plum in the kitchen with Daly’s wobbly stomach.

On the quarter hour Sestanovich wasted a free kick, about 25 yards out, in the centre. It hit the underside of the beam keeping the roof up. Pfft, with nuts and a chocolate flake. Have Scunny actually got inside the Town penalty area yet? Have Town done anything but head and moan? Another Town half-attack, the ball somewhere near the Scunny area, cleared to their left, half way inside their half. Whittle and some bloke in claret challenged and fell over. A free kick given to Scunthorpe. Town players complained, Slade up off the bench remonstrating. The ball rolling, the ball 5 yards from where the "foul" took place. Beagrie (I think) passed up the wing, someone hared after it with Town all of a tither, hither and thither, not a parrot to be seen. A pass inside, Hayes free behind Gordon down the centre. One touch, Williams sank to the ground, HAYES without fuss or favour poked the ball wide and over Williams into the right hand corner. First shot, first goal, Town players furious, fulminating at the referee, Fleming booked. Lots of other words beginning with "f", or maybe just one, said a lot.

I’d like to say things got better. They didn’t. The game was still rotten, lacking the hyper- intensity expected. It was just a game; a bad, bad game between a confident, organised team and a rag-tag bunch of egotists. Town were awful, wilfully reducing themselves to long ball hoofers. There seemed to be no plan about how to attack, other than give it to Stan and let Macca run down the right a few times. Ooo look, there’s Stacy Coldicott, driving through the midfield, up the edge of the area and being cynically scythed down by imaginary Scunthorpian boots. It was such a rubbish dive even Stace chuckled as he ran past the ref, who booked him, probably because he laughed.

I keep mentioning the referee. Not good.

After about half an hour or so Fleming flipped in a corner from the right, which Daly, unmarked near the penalty spot, glanced safely wide. Then it was booksville Arizona. McDermott... McDERMOTT booked when sliding in full frontal at Ridley, who stayed down. A very poor decision, it was just two men sliding towards the ball. And doesn’t he know you can’t book McDermott, he’s royalty. Then, finally, after all their identical trips, clips and pushes an Ironite was booked for putting his studs into that back of Crowe’s ankle. A period of Town pressure ensued with the ball being flung to the far post. Crowe infiltrated on the Town right, near the corner of the penalty area. Up went Crowe, down went Crowe as a claret clad arm went into his face, right in front of the Town fans. Uproar as play continued. Then Baraclough fell suspiciously slowly, clutching his face. Daly was nearest, complaining about being elbowed. What happened? Watch the video, most missed it. Out came the red card, off went Daly who left the field via a stomping finger waggling threat to the now recovered failed ex-Mariner. The Town players gathered around the ref, not quite grooving him with a pick.

"Will we have anyone left on the pitch at the end?"
"No poem I know rhymes toboggan with snow"
"Am I the only person who thinks Coldicott is Harry Hill without the badgers"
"It’s hard to say which is more excruciating, the ref or Town"
"My manager thought it was cold enough to snow, but she is from Birmingham"