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Macca To Birmingham - Exclusive!

By: Bill Osborne
Date: 20/01/2004

The year is 2020. King Charles and Princess Camilla have just announced the birth of their son and the sacking of their chauffer. Manchester United have just moved into their new mega stadium at Milton Keynes which is the nearest they could get to Surrey.

Home > Features > 2004 Features > Macca To Brum - Exclusive

Igor Slavinsky, manager of Chelsea celebrates his teams' promotion to the first division of the Russian League.

Lincoln City and Boston United are in the final of the FA Cup. Scunthorpe United are the runners up in the Premier League and someone burned down Doncaster Rovers new stadium!

Arsene Wenger has still not seen a foul by an Arsenal player and Kevin Keegan has given up football management due to pressure for the 17th time. Bobby Robson has agreed to manage one more season for Newcastle United and Sunderland are looking for their first goal after 18 games.

But back in Grimsby nothing changes.

Ring! Ring!


"Is that Mr Furneaux?"

"Yes! Who is that?"

"Bert Biggins, manager of the Birmingham Brass Band Benevolent Society Football Club"

"What can I do for you Bert?"

"Well as you know we are in the Coca Cola League and we need to buy a couple of good players."

"One of our players, Tony Ford, said that fella McDermott who plays for you is looking for a change as he nears the end of his career."

"I am not sure Bert! He is one of our better players and we would like to keep him if we can, mind you everything is for sale here if the price is right"

"Well we were looking at around 150 quid"

"150 quid? That sounds reasonable"

"How much is he on a week?

"He's on 40 quid a week plus bonuses"

"That's good money!"

"It certainly is! We are one of the highest paying clubs in the Grimsby and District League and we are hoping to get into the Sunday League via the playoffs this season so that will increase our wages bill a bit"

"Do you reckon you will make it this season Peter?'

"Well we are very confident! Our manager Paul Groves said although we are third from bottom and have lost the last seven games eight nil, we still have a chance."

"Other managers would have had the sack by now with those results!"

"No! We don't sack managers easily here, we like to give them a fair go. Paul has got the full support of the board and we are standing by him"

"And is that Graham Rodger still his assistant?"

"Nah! We swapped him for a guard dog, Best deal we ever did! The buggers round here at Clee Fields keep pinching our goal posts!"

"And how are the fans there, do you get good gates?"

"It's improving slowly. We got 147 here last game, including the players and the bus driver. Mind you it was a sort of local derby. We were playing Sheffield Wendy's in the Ramsden Cup and they brought 37. They are a massive club you know. They get 340 to their games every week"

"And what's your board like Peter? Are they good blokes?"

"The very best. Always putting money in. Our major shareholder who owns the Pea Bung put in 30 quid only last week. Mind you it was only a loan"

"Well that's not too bad."

"No and things will get better too, we have just taken on a new PR man. Top bloke knows the business"

"That sounds good. Who is he?"

"Bloke by the name of Alan Buckley, you might remember him. Ex manager of Laceby Rangers"

"Things are looking up at Grimsby by the sound of it."

"Yes we're pretty pleased by the way things are shaping now. All we need are a few wins to turn things round again and we can get on with the plans for the new stadium"

"You getting a new stadium?"

"Well we are in the planning stage at the moment. We need council approval to pull down the Memorial Hall on Grimsby Road and we are building it on there. It will hold 350 with car parking spaces for 15 cars"

"Sounds grand Peter"

"Aye! We're pleased with it so far. The only problem is that the developer is having a problem getting someone to take the retail space. We have someone to take over the knocking shop but the surgical appliance shop is a problem, but he hopes to get a commitment soon."

"And have you got sponsors Peter?"

"Have we got sponsors? Major sponsor with stadium naming rights are Zippo Firelighters. We also have the Kettles Funeral's stand and the Flash Harry's stand. Believe me this club is going places!"

"So is that a deal? Can we have Macca?"

"Yep, a sure deal. Send us the cheque. I will talk to him today to let him know."

"OK will do. I will inform our board we have bought him"



(4 hours later)

Ring! Ring!


"Is that Mr Furneaux"

"Yes! Who is that?"

"Grim Rob from the Fishy"

"What do you want?"

"Confirmation of the rumour going around that you have sold Macca to the Birmingham Brass Band Benevolent Society Football Club"

"I don't know where you people get all this rubbish from. It is absolute nonsense"

"Well the Grimsby Telegraph have just done an interview with Macca and he says he has signed and pleased to be going"

"Don't you believe anything that Stuart Rowson writes. He has always had it in for this club. He once did a story about us withdrawing ambulances on match days"

"But that was true"

"That has nothing to do with it. The FA have ruled that unless you have 340,000 people at the game you don't need an ambulance!"

"It also says on the Official Site that Macca is going."

"The Official Site said that?"


"Well who told them? We never told them. We don't tell them anything that isn't in the Grimsby Telegraph first!"

"So it is true then. Macca is going?"

"All I can say is that there will be an official statement tomorrow as usual"

Like I said. At Grimsby - nothing changes!

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