Pinault Colada: Cambridge Report

Grimsby Town 3 Cambridge United 0
03 Jan 2005, Coca Cola League 2

Hair plastered back, eyes narrowed, mouth like Wallace, stoop like Gromit.

Town lined up in a 3-4-1-2 formation, as shown Woah, what’s going on? Ses-st-st-st-sssssswitch and Reddy absent. With or without leave? Who knows these days. Let’s assume illness, for lack of evidence to the contrary. The burden of proof should be on the prosecution, not the defence. "Who was where?" I hear you plead from underneath two hats and a large knitted scarf. Forbes played as the right-sided centre back with Rammy the Ramster in his preferred role of Mr Cool in the centre. The midfield four was the same as recently usual, with Pinault in that hole behind the front two. You didn’t expect me to call them strikers did you? Tut, tut, tut. Must be very crowded by now, or a very big hole. We’ve lost Kingsley Black, Kevin Donovan and Ashley Sestanovich down it in the last few years. More like a bottomless pit of despair.

Did Cambridge warm up? Are they here? Are they bothered? Is there no end to this questioning?

There is no Dish of the Day. The world truly is in turmoil.

1st half

Town kicked off towards the Osmond End and...and....and? Yes, I ask you "and?"

I’m still waiting for an answer.......

Cambridge played in all gold by the way and hadn’t selected from their menu of foreign delights. No Igor Latte-Yedo, so you’ve got to go to Coffee Republic if you want one of them. No lentil-based starter today: Elkholti missing. No Nacca, Mbome Mgone or Amadou Konte. Now, we saw him play for us at Brigg. Which one was he? Big and useless, slight and useless, fast and useless, asleep and useless? We’ll never know.

I’m still waiting, I hadn’t forgotten.

What a lovely view of Spurn point, and such a big red boat too. Oh look mummy, there’s an aeroplane up in the sky. No it isn’t, it’s the ball. Punting, shunting, don’t get out the bunting for beautiful football. Was that a shot I saw before me? Well, yes, sort of. Gritton laid the ball off to Pinault on the right edge of their area. Pinault rolled and drivelled a slow low something towards the ‘keeper’s right hand post. Ruddy kept his duck.

Ooh, nice pass Pinault, slivered along the line for Bull, twisting, turning, clipping into the near post. Parkinson rose, as only he can, several inches and plopped a header across the face of goal, the ball rolling a yard or so wide. A couple of minutes later another Bull cross, with McDermott haring in from the wing, stooping and looping a header over the bar from the centre of the area. Have they done anything yet?

A foul, a free kick, a shot. Eleven English minutes, a free kick to Town 20 yards out in the centre. Not so much a wall as a rudimentary missile guidance system telling Thomas à Kickett where to, er, kick it. Pinault walloped the ball straight down the middle, the ‘keeper palming the ball upwards, having to plip it over the bar as it fell back earthwards. Please allow yourself to believe that the words "exciting" and "interesting" are entirely appropriate. For another game entirely, in another season. Perhaps you should get out some of the those old highlights videos. "Shot on, chance on" "My money’s on Dave Gilbert". Isn’t it always. Perhaps they really were, and will always be, the happiest days of our footballing lives.