Three Men In A Boat: Leyton Orient Report

Leyton Orient 1 Grimsby Town 2
15 Jan 2005, Coca Cola League 2

Town warmed up in a particularly disinterested fashion way off in the distance, in front of the home support, whilst the scattered Os ambled in front of us and the lady in number 52 doing her washing. She was mixing colours with whites. She’ll have a pink bra tomorrow.

Is it a griffin? Is it a dragon? Did they nick it from "It’s a Knockout". They should have kept the bungee rope. Now that would be entertainment - mascots twanging up and down the pitch with a bucket of water.

Town lined up in a 3-4-3 formation, as shown. On the bench was part of the sea defences near Chapmans Pond. Is that him, is that really him? A ghost from our terrible past life. It is! It’s Mr Snuffleupagus Crane, the official club comedian, although it is never defined whether the players are laughing with or at him. I’m sure he’s nice to his dog. Hang on. Ronnie Bull? Hadn’t they had to send for some replacement legs on Tuesday so he was "definitely out" of this game. "Definitely out" means something different in footballnewspeak, or perhaps they just can’t finish their sentences: "...side waiting to get on the bus" or "...of time with his dress sense". No Pinault: dismay amongst the metropolitan aesthetes in the Town crowd, denied a glimpse of the French snake-charmer. They’ll just have to make do with Fleming and Coldicott’s amazing cannonball routine instead. The yard dog is back to yap, or snap?

What a programme, 68 pages of smooth paper and colour photographs . Let’s hope their secret scouting of Town is as accurate as its contents. They’d have to watch out for Justin Whittle, strangely wearing a Jason Crowe mask at the time. Not a bad effort, same first letter of first name. It’s a start. Accuracy? That’s a wristwatch, isn’t it? And those great odds for the first goalscorer - Dean Gordon at 25/1. That’d be a booming shot from three weeks outside the penalty area, would it? Some nice gurns going on. Check out Daryl McMahon on page 64. It’s the infamous Kenneth Williams/Mick Jagger impression. "Mmmma-tron I was born in a cross-fire hurricane". Gurn baby, gurn, whatever colours you have in your mind.

There were a couple of youth team players on their substitutes’ bench, but they chose the wrong ones. Surely there’s room for Tiffin and Ziepe before the year 2525. And Prince Toku too. Who wouldn’t want royalty waiting in the wings. No armbands to be seen.

A special thankyou to the stewards, who saved the world as we know it; civilisation remains intact. Two Town terrorists strung a flag up from the rafters at the back of the stand. Not only was this flag obstructing the view of some corrugated iron but, who knows, the government and/or roof may have collapsed if it’d been allowed to stay there. That’s what stewards are for. Perhaps a statutory risk assessment form hadn’t been completed three weeks in advance. Rules are rules.

Half a stadium, half a sixpence, it’s better than half of nothing. They'll show us what they can do with a load of balls and a snooker cue.

You know, you could pay on the day after all. What a palaver that all was.