30/04 Kidderminster 2nd Half

By: Tony Butcher
Date: 02/05/2005

KIDDERMINSTER made two changes at half time, replacing a defender and an attacker. Burton and Birch coming on. The referee decided he had to re-start the game, and did so. The game ambled on, a diverting backdrop for us daytrippers, yeah.

Kidderminster Harriers 1 Grimsby Town 4 30 Apr 2005, Coca Cola League 2 It didn't take us long to find out that Kidderminster weren't going to let us sleepwalk through the second half. Pinault jumped with some bloke just inside the Town half on the right. The ref was clearly bored rigid, and so decided to spice up his life by randomly penalising Pinault for existing. The free kick was clipped lowish towards the far side of the penalty area. Birch, or Burton, depending on whether you believe the tannoy announcer or not, stood in front of Jones or Crane, depending on who you daydreamingly want to blame, and swept a volley across Williams and into the bottom right hand corner. What a public inconvenience. It was probably Birch, but only his mum and accountant are really bothered about that. Happiness is but a moment from misery, as the few locals die hard enough to watch the ship finally sink beneath the waves were about to find out. Misery is what football is all about, isn't it? Within a minute Town had opened the throttle and the speed boat was off towards Venice quicker than you can say "all government has to be accounted for". Yeah, that'll be Reddy, won't it. A Town player, lost in the mist of time but for the purposes of tickling the exposed soul of Rantin' Russ I shall say "the Frenchman", tapped the ball down the left touchline for Reddy. A step over and roll allowed the ball to trundle along the line. Teasing, tossing his hair aside and tantalising the defender with his quivering hips, O'Reddy awaited the lunge, then za-zoomed down the wing to the bye-line pulling his "Wensleydale, Parky?" face . He looked up and clipped a cross to the near post. PARKINSON had brought along his own step ladder, placed it six yards out in front of the paparazzi, and glanced a header across the face of goal and into the far corner. Now that was a goal. The travelling cushions were plumped again. I haven't bothered to tell you about all the delays for loads of head injuries. Well, here's another: Crane and Rawle sprawled across the turf after heading each other. Both got up and continued, eventually. Kidderminster had a real go after the third goal as Town sat back and soaked it all up like a council composter. Buzzing and bumbling along the edge of the Town area the little red Worcesters kept chucking pebbles towards our glass house. Russell received a knock down in the centre and shot across and wide with Williams playing scrabble to his right. Sorry, the official book of hackery says "scrambling". No, it was scrabble. He had too many consonants during half time. He really should have changed all his letters. Whoops, Little Ronnie Bull failed again. The ball was whizzled across from their left and Birch knocked the ball into a lovely large hole as Bull stepped back and froze. With time, space, energy and a lot of spare change, Birch draggle a low shot to Williams' left, who managed to palm the ball aside for a corner. That was a save, a save low to his left: it didn't end up being a goal. Applause towards "the Welshman". A couple of minutes later Rawle flung himself at Jones as the spindly spinster tried to clatter the ball away. The ball rebounded goalwards. Jones was seated, Rawle sprinted into the area, with Williams moonwalking towards him, calling 999 on his mobile, whilst trying to attract the attention of the waitress at table 23. Williams plunged to earth, Rawle plugged his shot a gazillion yards wide and high, slipping and sliding as he shot. It looked a mighty funny miss from where we were standing. It takes great skill to miss by so much, from so close, with so few people around to disturb your inner ear.

Grimsby Anthony Williams Simon Ramsden Justin Whittle Tony Crane Rob Jones Ronnie Bull Terry Fleming Jason Crowe Thomas Pinault Michael Reddy Andy Parkinson   Subs Stacy Coldicott 80 mins Glen Downey 76 mins Nick Heggarty 72 mins Graham Hockless David Soames   Attendance 2,340   Referee Brian Curson (Leicestershire)   Division Two League Table Reports/Fixtures Squad Stats Top Scorers Previews Predict-o-Meter   Man of the Match Vote for your Man of the Match Your Name (optional) Your Email Address (optional) Your Man of the Match Pick a player Bull Coldicott Crane Crowe Downey Fleming Hegarty Jones Parkinson Pinault Ramsden Reddy Whittle Williams Nominations count towards the Player Of The Month shortlist.

It would be nice if Town had another visit to the dozing Town fans, wouldn't it.

Hello! A free kick pumped long, nodded on by Whittle to the unmarked Ramsden on the right, ten yards out. The ball bounced, dropped and the Rammy Ramster leant to one side, arched his back and beautifully curved a volley twenty eight centimetres wide of the 'keeper's right hand post. Even his mullet was starting to leap up in anticipation of glory.

Mr Green he's so serene, he's got a cheese and onion pasty in every room.

He we go again, more Kiddy raiding: Birch leaning on Bull and glancing wide; Rawle free, unmarked, and unable, poking horribly wide and high inside the penalty area. When you think about it that wasn't horrible at all for us. And we are us, they are them: see how they run like pigs from a gun. Rawle bounding away past Williams, who missed the ball as he tried to sweep up behind Crane. Perhaps he should have taken his cloth cap and overall off before trying to run. Rawle clipped a cross to the far post where Birch leant on Jones and glanced wide. Russell: a long shot, post hit. Not their day is it; not their season. They're setting off to the Conference with soft explosions. We've had two of these seasons recently, so a bit of silent sympathy flew towards the two thousand homesters.

With just less than twenty minutes left young Heggarty replaced Parkinson. Apart from his goal, Parkinson barely registered on the radar; you'd have though that modern technology would have picked up his ears at least. A couple of minutes later Jones was clobbered, never recovered and the impossible happened: DOWNEY entered the arena. A reminder that they also serve who sit and stare. There will be medals cast, to be personally presented by Positive John, to every Town fan present. In 50 years time there will be a blue plaque placed on the away team bench to mark the spot, and the occasion. Downey got an extra-special cheer which, like his boots, was laced with irony.

Kidderminster were sent into a right tizz by the sight of Glen, for within a minute Town had another attack. The ball was lazily tonked down the left. Heggarty eagerly pursued, and dribbled with intent. His pass to Reddy was intercepted, but cleared straight back to Crowe, who tapped it to the now unmarked Reddy, about 15 yards out way to the left of the area. REDDY nodded the ball across a defender into space, steadied himself and lashed a skiffling shot over and across Danby and in to the top left hand corner. A cracking finish that got even the most jaded, cynical, and unconscious Town supporters into the air with a Woo-hoo-hoo.

A minute or so afterwards Coldicott replaced Crowe. And Town finally had someone in midfield: Conan the Destroyer was back in his yard.

Kidderminster continued to attack and continued to waste chances. Downey almost touched the ball, but was repelled by an invisible forcefield, allowing Birch to control, advance, infiltrate the area and poke terribly wide. Rawle crossed, Downey waited, Downey missed the ball. Time ticking, Glen still hadn't touched it. Would he ever or would this be the twist of the comic knife? Ooh - now? Darn it, a tackle missed. How about you Ronnie? Whoops, another missed clog. Still, at least he managed to pass to a Town player once this game, if you count a free kick whacked forwards as a pass. You do? How generous of spirit you are.

Kidderminster made a final substitution. Bringing on Sturrock to replace pint-sized Russell. Crane was able to deal with Blair Sturrock and Argyle Highlanders all on his own, placing himself with is back to the sun, always looking to gain an edge. Reddy terrorised down the left, chest bursting past three after a superbly weighted pass from Heggarty. No one was quick enough to get in to the box for his cross. Pinault, on the centre right, advanced and played a perfect pass between two defenders for Reddy to run on to. The 'keeper came out and Reddy tried to drift past on the left but Danby managed to get a hand to the ball . A brief glimpse of a hint of a chance for Heggarty, but a big butch defender stood in his way, then scythed through him from behind. No free kick, of course.

And the it happened. In the last minute Glen Downey touched the ball, tackling out on the right for a Kidderminster throw in. Rapturous applause from the Town faithful. We'd seen history. Ten seconds later he touched it again, making an excellent block. Then, another ten seconds, a header away! What more could we ask for? We'd seen it all. What a minute.

In added time Reddy again wiggled and waggled past three inside the penalty area, crossing low to Coldicott, in the centre near the penalty spot. Stace opened his body and steered the ball first time towards the top left hand corner, but it drifted a few inches wide. Added time? There were eight or nine years of it.

Well, there we are: a nice day out sightseeing near the Severn. A little team bonding and some never to be repeated events. This was how all the games could have been since the Darlington defeat. You choose which one I mean. It was OK, but don't read too much into this. The opposition succeeded in failing. Town won through a combination of Kidderminster's inabilities and Michael Reddy. The three amigos at the back were not comforting, skyscrapers being functional buildings at best. There was very little attacking from Town, and what there was resulted from breakaways and accidents. A grand day out, that's all it was. If it's a trailer for next year: beware.

This was something beyond football, perhaps the very first post-modern football match. It was a work of performance art. You see what you want to see.

Nicko's Man of the Match

Crane headed the ball a lot, and clenched his fist a few times, but positionally he was vintage Crane. It has to be Michael Reddy, our sunshine superman, using any trick in the book. When I say he's a little cool, I think that you know what I mean.

Markie's UnMan of the Match

I know he tries very hard, but a footballer he ain't . It's that man again: Ronnie Bull. He was on the pitch, he wore a Town kit. Much more than that I cannot say.

Tim's Man of the Minute

It's the 89th minute, it's Glen Downey. That was his minute, maybe even his career. He did have a very good minute.

Official Warning

Mr B Curson. Another one of those refs who has zero tolerance for Town players touching opponents, but likes the game to flow when Town players are assaulted, preferably with two feet. He wasn't very good, and was a bit slow to deal with the six thousand head injuries. He arrived on time, started it on time and ended the game within a reasonable timescale. How about 4.999?

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